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May 18, 2007

shouldering the future

it's been quite an interesting month so far... supposedly May was going to find me gallivanting through Turkey with T.T. on a long-awaited adventure trip, and after we'd had our fill of hookahs and Turkish baths and history and culture and crazy yummy foods, we'd meander southward to T.T.'s family home in Germany, where we'd clean ourselves up and go to his brother's wedding.
but no. life suddenly swerved in another direction, and after screaming and getting carsick and covering my eyes and then realising we didn't crash and die, i thought well, i'd better post to that blog thing of mine.
okay, fine, it's not as super-dramatical as all that, but it sure felt like it while it was happening. long story short, T.T. had a common outpatient procedure done a few months ago that, unbeknownst to us at the time, went horribly wrong. we just thought his left shoulder was taking a long time to heal correctly, and after physical therapy proved useless, and i was watching his shoulder blade migrate alarmingly further and further westward, we started aggressively asking questions. within a few days, after many departments and appointments and doctors and needles and tests and uncomfortable waiting room chairs, the diagnosis was made: a major nerve, the one to his trapezius muscles, had been accidentally severed, and the muscles were badly atrophied. initially, he was told that there was nothing to be done, he'd never swim again, his rotator cuff would eventually wear out, and by the way, have a nice day. upon more aggressive questioning, we discovered that a neural reconstructive surgery could maybe, just maybe partially fix the damage, but it would have to be done as soon as possible. as in within the week.

so airplane tickets were cancelled, hotels were unbooked, calls were made, e-mails were sent, papers signed, and before i knew it, T.T. was being connected up to beeping things and dripping things and breathing things and then bye, honey! wheeled off into a operating room. he was on the table for over five hours, and then spent most of the night violently barfing in my arms from all that anesthesia. his entire left neck and shoulder were covered with giant white bandages that, in the low light of the hospital room, looked like a painter's canvas, except all the red and purple and blue was underneath it, invisible for now.
of course i cried. of course i was frightened, as i sat in that chair by his bed, watching the I.V. drip and his closed eyes fluttering. but i also thought of all the horrible other reasons i could be sitting next to my husband in a hospital bed -- cancer, a car wreck, an incurable disease, random violence -- and i was thankful for the relatively huge amounts of knowledge we had as to what would happen next, as to his status and eventual recovery. i thought of all the women who have sat vigil by beds, as their husbands or children or parents or neighbours or friends fought through the long night; i thought: i am one of them now, one of the ones who believes that by the grace of God and the sheer force of my love and my hand in his, everything will be all right.
and everything has been all right. to a certain extent, of course. i mean, the first days out of the hospital were rough -- he has limited mobility, he can't sleep well, and the smallest things exhaust him. but each day he's gained in strength and more importantly, in sense of humour, and the surgeons are incredibly optimistic to the point of enthusiasm as to the success of the operation. we won't know if the nerve graft will really work for another six months (an eternity to the less patient, such as, well, people like us) and he has to wear a soft neck brace for a month. the incision is enormous; 10 winding inches of stitching and surgical glue and blood. "darn!" said T.T. to the doctor when the dressings were removed today, revealing the snakelike cut. "i can't sell this as a shark bite! what were you thinking?"

so now we're just waiting. waiting, and hoping, and praying. but you know what? it's an easy burden for us to shoulder (even with T.T. having only one, ha ha). it's being carried with us, not just by God, but by all those who have shown us His grace; by the dozens of friends and family and friends who are like family that came rushing in from every corner when this whole crazy ordeal began. the most amazing thing about life recently has been this rediscovery of our community, the many people who make up the tapestry of our life, who have configured themselves into a safety net for us, one that we can trust to hold under extreme pressure. the calls, the e-mails, the food, the gifts, the offers of help, the prayers - -oh, the prayers! all these expressions of support have been like fireworks; little explosions of beautiful brightness against the darkness of The Unknown Future. we are unbelievably, humbly grateful.

it's like the Fourth of July around here.

Posted by hadashi at May 18, 2007 5:44 PM

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