February 14, 2006
a little tale for Valentine's Day
by special request of The Adnostic, and in honor of Valentine's Day, aka Day O' Packaged Affection, here is my Worst -- and Best -- Dating Story Ever.
so there i was, at Boy House Central. five guys from my university lived there, and i was friends with all of them. i had classes (and, ok, fine, a growing mutual attraction) with one of the residents of BHC, so i was over there quite often. Boy House Central was a never-ending source of entertainment. if it wasn't Mr. Experimental Artist Boy doing a weird "installation piece" that involved things like scrap metal and silly string, than it was Mr. Aspiring Scriptwriter Boy having me read scenes that mostly involved lots of gratuitous punctuation.
however, today's amusement involved Mr. MuscleBody Boy. he'd discovered that working out A Whole Lot in conjunction with taking creatine made one very, um, muscle-y. and lots of chicks dig muscle-y guys. so he'd recently joined a dating service, and today he was taking out yet another girl who'd liked his online profile. he'd spent the day washing and waxing his big red Ford F-250 dual cab truck to get it ready for his date. we'd spent the day teasing him without pity. and so when an unfamiliar car pulled up, he ordered us to stay inside: "you're not going to embarrass me!"
he needn't have worried.
the girl who got out of the car looked like she was auditioning for the part of Most Picked-On In Class. she kept her head down, shuffled up to the house, and kept peering through her bangs nervously, like some hidden dog was suddenly going to attack her. my friend wondered aloud how she ever got the nerve to sign up for a dating service, let alone leave the house. i wondered aloud why a girl on a blind date would actually make herself look so mousy. MuscleBody Boy glared at us, lunged for the screen door, wrenched it open, and said way too loudly, "HI! GLAD YOU FOUND THE PLACE!" Mousy Girl flinched like she'd been slapped.
we watched from the living room window through the curtains as they walked to his truck. he opened the passenger door for her, and she tried to get in...but it was a little too high and she couldn't quite make it. visibly flustered, she tried again. no go. "SHALL I GIVE YOU A BOOST HA HA HA HA!" we heard through the door. this must have panicked her, because all of a sudden she launched herself through the door...and completely disappeared from view.
next thing we knew, MuscleBoy was pulling her limp body from the cab and laying her on the lawn. we ran outside. "she slipped, she slipped!" MuscleBoy said frantically. "i must of done too good of a job polishing the interior because she just went flying across the front! oh my gosh what am i going to do?"
"why is she out cold?" my friend asked.
"uh...well, she whacked her head on the Club sticking out from the steering wheel." sure enough, there was a big growing bruise on her poor mousy forehead.
MuscleBoy looked like he was going to throw up. "i'm getting her inside! no, i'm getting a glass of water for her! no, i should get a cushion to prop up her head!" he babbled.
this girl is going to freak out when she comes to, i thought. better she wake up to a familiar face, even if it was familiar for only about one minute previous. "she might have a concussion," i said, "so you stay with her, and we'll go get an ice pack."
we had just gotten back to the door when we heard an engine start. the lawn was empty. MuscleBoy was yelling: "wait! no! please! i'm sorry!" the car roared away.
apparently Mousy Girl had come to, sat up, looked around wildly, and bolted for her car. and really, who can blame her?
we never heard from Mousy Girl again. MuscleBoy left multiple apologetic messages, to no avail. my friend and the rest of Boy House Central mercilessly teased him for at least two months straight, to the point where he quit the dating service (and then, incidentally, almost immediately met the woman he's now married to). and me? i'm clearly still getting mileage out of the story. Mousy Girl, if you're out there, i definitely owe you a few drinks. because i'm guessing you probably do drink now, after that experience.
so there it is: my Worst Dating Story Ever, and also the Best -- because, thank God, it didn't happen to me.
remember to hit the stores for all that on-sale chocolate tomorrow!
Posted by hadashi at February 14, 2006 8:20 AM
mmmm.... chocolate .... Happy Packaged Affection Day!
Posted by: Ms. Jen at February 14, 2006 1:57 AM
HA! HOO HA! so much greater b/c i can just picture muscleboy! yew are such a great storyteller... will you take more requests?
Posted by: ernli at March 12, 2006 10:40 PM
any worthy requests will be honored. somehow.
Posted by: hadashi at March 14, 2006 3:44 PM
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