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February 20, 2006
identity
so it's been about five months since the wedding, and i still get a cheesy grin when people say "newlywed" or ask The Question: "so how is married life?" mostly, i just say "better than ever expected," or even a simple "great!" it's true: a different sort of happiness lives with me and T.T., one that neither of us have experienced before -- the happiness of feeling like you're finally Home.
however. if i was completely honest, i'd also answer that married life is challenging the very basics of my identity.
although most children in Western cultures get three names, i've had just two names all my life -- my parents were apparently happy enough with my first name that they saw no need to give me a middle name. (my grandmother bestowed a Chinese name upon me at birth, but it was hardly used and never legally added.) two was plenty though -- i've wrestled with them all my life, as my first name is usually misspelled, and my birth surname is difficult to pronounce and spell. when i was much younger, i would loudly proclaim that i couldn't wait to marry someone with a name like Smith or Chan, so i could jettison my tongue-tangler of a last name for something everyone could say and spell. of course, i never thought about the fact that my mother chose to exchange Chan for the tongue-tangler. at the time, i didn't understand there was even a choice to be made.
but then i grew up, moved out, went to university, became proud of my uncommon surname. i started a freelance career that depends heavily on reputation and name recognition. and when i got engaged, it was with a shock that i realised i had grown quite attached to my family name with all its unspellable-ness, and was loathe to give it up. T.T. made it clear that the decision was mine alone; although he would be honored for me to take his name, he would completely support me if i chose not to.
i've heard a lot of arguments for both sides of the keep-name-or-change-name debate. some are extreme and rather creepy: either taking your husband's name indicates that you become his property, or not taking his name means your commitment and love are questionable. i thought that many women today keep their maiden names, but the reality is that a huge majority -- between 77%-83% -- of modern brides take their groom's family name. it's more than a question of feminist progress or gender equality, more than an issue of family unity or future children. it is a question of evolving identity: who are you becoming when you marry? do you turn into someone else when you become a wife, or do you remain the same woman?
perhaps it is a bit of both. certainly i am fundamentally the same girl that T.T. first fell in love with; it has always been a basic tenet of our relationship to allow the other to be themselves, to avoid manipulating the other to become an ideal, to become someone they are not simply to please or placate. however, i know i am not the same person i was as a world-travelling, career-minded single girl. i am also not the same person i was as a world-travelling, career-minded girlfriend, or even fiancee. a serious relationship forces you to confront the very core of yourself, and when that happens, change is inevitable. part of marriage is saying, "i accept and love you as you are, but will partner with you to help you become the best you can be no matter how hard that is." there was no seismic shift after we said our vows. we laughed about how very much the same we felt the next day. but we knew we'd taken a huge leap of faith, and we were grateful.
it's because of that faith, and in recognition of that leap that i've chosen to change my name. throughout ancient times and across cultures, when a person changed their life's course and purpose, they signified this new beginning with a new name. i didn't get married because of the state filing a piece of paper; it is because i made a covenant with this man before God. for me, taking a new name honors His blessing and acknowledges His presence in our union.
i don't need to lose anything with this decision: since i never had a middle name, i'm simply adding his surname and moving mine to the center. it feels symbolic of how my life's story is unfolding: i have kept all of who i am, and have become even more by adding this amazing man to my life.
Posted by hadashi at February 20, 2006 3:24 PM
Comments
Beautiful post! I like my new identity. My maiden name was multi-syllabic and relatively unique (in America), very identifying. I wanted to leave the past behind and I think I have received a new identity and been transformed more than I ever imagined...Thanks!
Posted by: Julie at February 27, 2006 12:37 AM
thank you Julie! and happy anniversary, albeit a little late!
Posted by: hadashi at February 28, 2006 9:10 PM
what an insightful reflection on the whole thing... remember how horrified i was at 4 when i first learned that women had to change their names when they get married? i had my sights on our 13-yr-old 3rd cousin so i could keep my name... i think that e.g.b. just sounds so, like, made-to-be-that-way.
Posted by: ernli 
at March 12, 2006 10:36 PM
I too have a hard to spell, difficult to pronounce (and very unique) last name and I early on decided that I wasn't going to change it if I ever married.
As I get older though, the idea of having the same name as someone I love is staring to grow on me...
Posted by: the swede at March 25, 2006 6:45 AM
i agree, the swede. it's still an effort for me to remember what my new surname is when i introduce myself, and when i do, it makes me happy to say it, but it also makes me happy i can still legitimately say my first surname too.
Posted by: hadashi at March 28, 2006 11:30 AM
Ha! I've ALWAYS wanted someone else's name (preferably something really GOOD, like GOOD or GODHEAD or something) until my sister got married and my father asked her not to take another name because he didn't have sons. Since her profession (scientists/physicist) also relies on reputation and publishing, she acquiesced. But she says its a pain to have a different name from her husband and son. Since I have changed my first name, I don't think there's anything odd about changing any part of your name at any time.
Posted by: DJWanda at March 28, 2006 9:15 PM
i still have to use my original surname for professional reasons too... personally, i think a really good surname would be Fabulous. then you could order coffees and hear them call "hazelnut latte for Mrs. Fabulous!"
Posted by: hadashi at March 31, 2006 3:05 PM
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