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August 9, 2005
he's not a shoe
we interrupt this normally scheduled frustrated searching of craigslist & westside rentals for a 2B1B duplex/house/etc. for T.T. & i to move to, for this wee puzzling anecdote:
so the other day at work, a field producer i'd never met before found out i am imminently about to be wedding-i-fied. she reacted with the appropriate blend of excitement, curiousity, and pity that i now expect from most people. she asked about my current stress level, and i made a comment that it'll be lower once T.T. & I find a place to live together.
"what?" says Ms. Producer. "wait, where do you live?"
i tell her.
"and where does he live?"
i tell her, a location which is a good 35-40 minutes away, if the Evil Traffic Imps aren't too busy playing Sig Alert.
her brow wrinkles in confusion. she is baffled.
"so you don't live together?"
i thought this would be self-evident, given that i have named two separate locations. "no," i say.
"you mean you don't live together?"
perhaps i whispered? "no," i repeat.
"you don't live together at all?"
at this point i am getting weirded out. "no," i say again, more emphatically.
"but...well...i mean, you like him, right?"
now i'm baffled. "well, i'm marrying him," i venture.
"are you going to live together when you get married?"
i admit i was tempted to simply say "no" again just to see her reaction.
while this story is possibly the extreme of the reactions i've gotten, it's illustrative of the usual response i've now learned to expect from people. a long time ago, T.T. & I simply made a decision, for us, that we weren't going to live together before we got married. that choice has never been implicit judgement on anyone else. why is it that most people who don't know us are so completely shocked by us not separating cohabitation from marriage? is it so abnormal now to go straight to Married, passing Live Together First entirely? i had another person once ask me, back in the Time of Dating -- how did i know if i'd enjoy living with a potential husband if i wasn't going to "just try him out?"
is he a shoe, i wondered, that i need to try on and walk around in to see if he pinches my toes or gives me blisters? i think not. it's a bit of a weird reversal, to be judged for NOT moving in with my boyfriend/fiance instead of the other way around. there are so many reasons, even apart from any moral considerations, why we've kept our seperate households until now (since this is not a soapbox, click the link only if you're interested in knowing some of them), and have been happy doing so. we've gained a lot from it: for example, he's built a great community for himself in his corner of the world, and i'm deeply thankful for an unexpectedly satisfying friendship with my roommate. leaving these things we love makes our transition into starting fresh together, at the same time, even more fulfilling.
huh. i'm somewhat re-motivated after that little puzzled rant. and now back to housing ads on craigslist...
Posted by hadashi at August 9, 2005 4:53 PM
Comments
so, you don't live together?
hee hee
Posted by: jelly at August 9, 2005 11:38 PM
weirded out with you on the other side of the world. weird. would this woman have been more appalled by us, engaged across the Pacific Ocean?! or maybe that would have excused us not living together because certainly we would have been had geography permitted...in her world! reverse judgements are weird...in my world!
Posted by: ukognet at August 10, 2005 7:43 AM
That's just rude.
Good luck with your house hunting! I'll keep my fingers crossed that you'll find the perfect place!
Posted by: Jenny at August 12, 2005 9:20 PM
what's funny is hearing from now-married-cohabitators about the joy of their wedding day:
(Alarm rings)
She: Yawn.
He: Yawn.
She: Hey, good morning. (titters)
He: Snort.
She: (snuzzling He) Know what today is?
He: Snort? Yawn. Right. Well, Honey, I Guess Today's the Big Day.
(frantic activity ensues as He-n-She begin preparing for said Big Day.)
you must start freelancing for magazinnies! i'll have to use your shoe metaphor from now on. isn't it nice to get sweet remarks from other women (which i won't repeat here for reasons that you know)?
Posted by: ernli 
at September 14, 2005 11:35 PM
How about this one - we live together, but we have separate rooms. Even his parents can't figure that one out! The bottom line is that whatever works for you - separate houses, separate rooms, separate closets - is okay. That's another thing I don't think "they" tell you about marriage. I am all in favor of separate things even *after* you get married. Like bank accounts. And bathrooms.
Posted by: Wanda at September 24, 2005 11:55 PM
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